Saint Rantic

I found this…. from abi’s blog here.

I thot i would have loved to be a part of “Have Sex:- Make Science program”. The point here is that most of the men who participated failed to errr *blush*, perform.
Means some even did not even manage to have their penis standing up even though they were cuddled up with a female inside an MRI scanner. The funny thing is they had to get it up and running by using Viagra…. Soooo sad, i feel kinda bad about those men there… i mean called on to do such an important assignment and hey my johnny(or dick or whatever u may pet name your penis as), aint feeling like standing upto it. Tch Tch…. impotency is sometimes subjective. I have heard of men who could perform wonderfully with certain women.. and would fail miserably with his own wife.

The pics are interesting!!have a look One
,Two.
Pic one left me wondering where the penis is… well look carefully… Thou shalt find it!!!! Hint:- the male pelvis is on the lower right and the female’s is on the upper left.

Who the f*** am I, you may ask, a sexologist?

No, but i am (s)extremely interested in knowing more about this wonderful function of the human body. Talking of which we have some people exploiting it as Harini sees it. Well yes… it is plain cheap dirt pot of a journalist(if such a psycho deserves to be called that way) who could think that this will sell.

Just shows how kinda screwed up people think, or do they? If they did then the column would not be there at all.. After all..sex sells….everything is commercial.

I found this…. from abi’s blog here.

I thot i would have loved to be a part of “Have Sex:- Make Science program”. The point here is that most of the men who participated failed to errr *blush*, perform.
Means some even did not even manage to have their penis standing up even though they were cuddled up with a female inside an MRI scanner. The funny thing is they had to get it up and running by using Viagra…. Soooo sad, i feel kinda bad about those men there… i mean called on to do such an important assignment and hey my johnny(or dick or whatever u may pet name your penis as), aint feeling like standing upto it. Tch Tch…. impotency is sometimes subjective. I have heard of men who could perform wonderfully with certain women.. and would fail miserably with his own wife.

The pics are interesting!!have a look One
,Two.
Pic one left me wondering where the penis is… well look carefully… Thou shalt find it!!!! Hint:- the male pelvis is on the lower right and the female’s is on the upper left.

Who the f*** am I, you may ask, a sexologist?

No, but i am (s)extremely interested in knowing more about this wonderful function of the human body. Talking of which we have some people exploiting it as Harini sees it. Well yes… it is plain cheap dirt pot of a journalist(if such a psycho deserves to be called that way) who could think that this will sell.

Just shows how kinda screwed up people think, or do they? If they did then the column would not be there at all.. After all..sex sells….everything is commercial.

I am an occasional alcoholic…. means my alcohol intake cycles (if ever there is some term like that) are periodic(periodic is a redundant term, as there cannot be cycles without periods ).

And i think that I could calculate the fourier transform of my alcohol intake graph. It would look like having a fundamental frequeny(or a dominant frequeny) of 3 months. but obviously a lot of rippling because after everytime i get drunk heaily the next 1 month is totally dry.. this causes a high transition in time domain of the alcohol intake and this causes the frequency domain to ripple. Which i think would have bored you to infinity/oblivion if u do not know what Fourier did long time ago!!. If you do not know about it then just know that it is just the same thing that happenes after ejaculating, u just dont feel like being in there anymore. Talking of which Uma here and here has nice posts on the fact that sex aint all that bad… only thing is Indian culture which distorts it too much… just correct Uma… thats exactly what i believe and follow (:-)).

Coming to the answer of what-is-the-point-of-this-post expression that you all may be having while reading the above?

I got drunk on saturday. It wasn’t my drinking record on the amount. But however it was the drinking record of sorts. As i gobbled up 375 ml (that is half a bottle) of Smirnoff Vodka without water… Just like that. With No aparent reason. I was not happy and i was not sad. I just brought the bottle because the place where i usually buy liquor from have a credit card policy that they will accept cards for purchases only above 100 bucks. I did not have enough money with me to buy the usual Quarter bottle smirnoff(90 bucks). So i had to use a credit card, which meant that i had to buy something more than a quarter… so i went for half bottle smirnoff.

At home there was this wonderful movie called “Anger Management” somethng that i wanted to watch for a long time. I sat with the chips that I brought, and opened the Vodka bottle. Started drinking it dry(thats without water,,, as it is… also called ‘on the rocks’). I remember watching the begining of the film when Adam Sandler gets jacked on the plane. After that i had one more peg dry. Could see that i was not able to concentrate much on the jokes. There was an interval of 50 seconds after the joke that i understood it and laughed.

But… I could understand romantic scences in the film instantaneously. Adam Sandler hugging his girlfrind… OOf!!! could not bear the thougts and the feelings of hugging my ex. I remembered those few days I had with her. Those deep embraces. *sigh*.

The same thing I saw a couple doing infront of the chennai consulate. Seems both of them were going to the same college and that both of them got their visas cleared. The embrace was deep, loving and so so romantic. Older generation indians who were standing their started fussing like hell. I just watched, remembering the last time I did that. The last time i just embraced my ex-gal like that. The last time i smelt my (ex)gal’s shoulders. The last time I tenderly kissed them. *sigh* I started to miss the ‘Scent of a woman’.

Coming back to my drinking habits after digressing this bit. I was seeing the deep embrace, and so i became sad about missing that typical ‘girly’ smell, you get when u are in a deep embrace. In went another 90 ml…dry. Then I could see TWO Adam Sandlers instead of one. I knew that i was getting drunk. I was getting hungry as well, this was the thing that got me even worried. I decided to make a bulls-eye out of the 6 eggs that I had brought.

If you all suspect that I would have forgotten to turn of the gas and that my flat would have caught fire, then you were just about thinking something that almost happened. I turned the gas on.. went searching for the matches… thankfully kept over the “bhagvan ka picture” which after getting drunk i was trying to search for. Finally i found the matchbox. At that time i realized that it was an automatic gas stove. u just have to press the knob and turn… whoosh.. the fire will be on. I went into the kitchen with this new gyan… turned off the knob.. and then turned it on again…. i was expecting a-whooosh-and-a-flame but what came out was a-BOOM-and-nearly-kitchen-on-fire thing. HOLY SHIT… the flames were so f***ing big… if u know what i mean. I turned sober instantaneously.. wondering which numbers to dial. Thankfully I was not wearing anything on my upper half. If i was i would have been a fireball. ALso i took care not to open my mouth…who knows… Vodka is flamable. This is what i did.. i RAN out of the kitchen. straight into the bath… i do not remember whether anything caught fire really.. but i put water all over my body… went back in half senses to see the flame burning there.. and not the fire… Well… I did thank god… assuming that he existed for a moment.

I sobered myself up. Went for the thavi(thats what u call the pan in mallu).. Put it on the stove., poured some oil. Broke the first egg.. Put it.. it was the best bulls-eye egg i have ever cracked. Broke the second one.. put that too.. the third one i was just about to reach it when i fell down and the egg cracked on the floor. something went into my eyes. I put water into my eyes and then remembered that the fire was still on. I switched it off.,… but a bit late. the bulls-eye was a bit over cooked but ok. Then i remembered about the film. Went there.. saw another passionate embrace… went crazy…back to the kitchen.. ate up everything on the thavi which was very very hot. Drank some more… made sure that the gas was switched off. Then went and sat infront of the TV. Some ad was going on. 3/4 of the bottle was over. I decided to drink the full bottle.

When the movie came back I saw three or four Adam Sandlers. More than that i could see that the frame rate was reduced a lot. I could see frames in say 10 second intervals… nothing in between. Someone came and banged on the door… wasn’t able to open it. Then i remember that I did a Bottles up routine. The whole bottle went up in the air. I had finished my triumph on 375 ml Vodka. Then I could hear wierd singing.. which i realized was myself trying to hum along the movie tunes. I could not see anything beyond 1 metre… and there was occassionaly someone who switched off the lights. Then after sometime(i dont know how much time) Blackness……….

I woke on sunday with pain everywhere… including my head… thats where it hurt the most. The whole day was a waste. Just was cribbing about why I drank,, n all that shit.

Someone told me that in theory a flap of a butterfly wing can whip up a storm in the pacific ocen because of chaos theory. I believe its just those small things that matter when life takes wierd turns and gives u the expereiences of sorts. Had they been taking credit cards for any amount.. i would have brought a Quarter bottle.. which would have saved my saturday and sunday.

I have decided atleast that I should give up drinking *completely* now. It has given me more hardship that anything else.

But i still miss those deep embraces *sigh* .

I am an occasional alcoholic…. means my alcohol intake cycles (if ever there is some term like that) are periodic(periodic is a redundant term, as there cannot be cycles without periods ).

And i think that I could calculate the fourier transform of my alcohol intake graph. It would look like having a fundamental frequeny(or a dominant frequeny) of 3 months. but obviously a lot of rippling because after everytime i get drunk heaily the next 1 month is totally dry.. this causes a high transition in time domain of the alcohol intake and this causes the frequency domain to ripple. Which i think would have bored you to infinity/oblivion if u do not know what Fourier did long time ago!!. If you do not know about it then just know that it is just the same thing that happenes after ejaculating, u just dont feel like being in there anymore. Talking of which Uma here and here has nice posts on the fact that sex aint all that bad… only thing is Indian culture which distorts it too much… just correct Uma… thats exactly what i believe and follow (:-)).

Coming to the answer of what-is-the-point-of-this-post expression that you all may be having while reading the above?

I got drunk on saturday. It wasn’t my drinking record on the amount. But however it was the drinking record of sorts. As i gobbled up 375 ml (that is half a bottle) of Smirnoff Vodka without water… Just like that. With No aparent reason. I was not happy and i was not sad. I just brought the bottle because the place where i usually buy liquor from have a credit card policy that they will accept cards for purchases only above 100 bucks. I did not have enough money with me to buy the usual Quarter bottle smirnoff(90 bucks). So i had to use a credit card, which meant that i had to buy something more than a quarter… so i went for half bottle smirnoff.

At home there was this wonderful movie called “Anger Management” somethng that i wanted to watch for a long time. I sat with the chips that I brought, and opened the Vodka bottle. Started drinking it dry(thats without water,,, as it is… also called ‘on the rocks’). I remember watching the begining of the film when Adam Sandler gets jacked on the plane. After that i had one more peg dry. Could see that i was not able to concentrate much on the jokes. There was an interval of 50 seconds after the joke that i understood it and laughed.

But… I could understand romantic scences in the film instantaneously. Adam Sandler hugging his girlfrind… OOf!!! could not bear the thougts and the feelings of hugging my ex. I remembered those few days I had with her. Those deep embraces. *sigh*.

The same thing I saw a couple doing infront of the chennai consulate. Seems both of them were going to the same college and that both of them got their visas cleared. The embrace was deep, loving and so so romantic. Older generation indians who were standing their started fussing like hell. I just watched, remembering the last time I did that. The last time i just embraced my ex-gal like that. The last time i smelt my (ex)gal’s shoulders. The last time I tenderly kissed them. *sigh* I started to miss the ‘Scent of a woman’.

Coming back to my drinking habits after digressing this bit. I was seeing the deep embrace, and so i became sad about missing that typical ‘girly’ smell, you get when u are in a deep embrace. In went another 90 ml…dry. Then I could see TWO Adam Sandlers instead of one. I knew that i was getting drunk. I was getting hungry as well, this was the thing that got me even worried. I decided to make a bulls-eye out of the 6 eggs that I had brought.

If you all suspect that I would have forgotten to turn of the gas and that my flat would have caught fire, then you were just about thinking something that almost happened. I turned the gas on.. went searching for the matches… thankfully kept over the “bhagvan ka picture” which after getting drunk i was trying to search for. Finally i found the matchbox. At that time i realized that it was an automatic gas stove. u just have to press the knob and turn… whoosh.. the fire will be on. I went into the kitchen with this new gyan… turned off the knob.. and then turned it on again…. i was expecting a-whooosh-and-a-flame but what came out was a-BOOM-and-nearly-kitchen-on-fire thing. HOLY SHIT… the flames were so f***ing big… if u know what i mean. I turned sober instantaneously.. wondering which numbers to dial. Thankfully I was not wearing anything on my upper half. If i was i would have been a fireball. ALso i took care not to open my mouth…who knows… Vodka is flamable. This is what i did.. i RAN out of the kitchen. straight into the bath… i do not remember whether anything caught fire really.. but i put water all over my body… went back in half senses to see the flame burning there.. and not the fire… Well… I did thank god… assuming that he existed for a moment.

I sobered myself up. Went for the thavi(thats what u call the pan in mallu).. Put it on the stove., poured some oil. Broke the first egg.. Put it.. it was the best bulls-eye egg i have ever cracked. Broke the second one.. put that too.. the third one i was just about to reach it when i fell down and the egg cracked on the floor. something went into my eyes. I put water into my eyes and then remembered that the fire was still on. I switched it off.,… but a bit late. the bulls-eye was a bit over cooked but ok. Then i remembered about the film. Went there.. saw another passionate embrace… went crazy…back to the kitchen.. ate up everything on the thavi which was very very hot. Drank some more… made sure that the gas was switched off. Then went and sat infront of the TV. Some ad was going on. 3/4 of the bottle was over. I decided to drink the full bottle.

When the movie came back I saw three or four Adam Sandlers. More than that i could see that the frame rate was reduced a lot. I could see frames in say 10 second intervals… nothing in between. Someone came and banged on the door… wasn’t able to open it. Then i remember that I did a Bottles up routine. The whole bottle went up in the air. I had finished my triumph on 375 ml Vodka. Then I could hear wierd singing.. which i realized was myself trying to hum along the movie tunes. I could not see anything beyond 1 metre… and there was occassionaly someone who switched off the lights. Then after sometime(i dont know how much time) Blackness……….

I woke on sunday with pain everywhere… including my head… thats where it hurt the most. The whole day was a waste. Just was cribbing about why I drank,, n all that shit.

Someone told me that in theory a flap of a butterfly wing can whip up a storm in the pacific ocen because of chaos theory. I believe its just those small things that matter when life takes wierd turns and gives u the expereiences of sorts. Had they been taking credit cards for any amount.. i would have brought a Quarter bottle.. which would have saved my saturday and sunday.

I have decided atleast that I should give up drinking *completely* now. It has given me more hardship that anything else.

But i still miss those deep embraces *sigh* .

Blogonomics would certainly be a part of any internet study in the future.
The logic for the whole thing is simple. I will post more on the economic aspect of it later, let me make it short and sweet for now.

Suppose you write such great stuff that a CEO of a mid size company visits your blog and spends say 30 minutes on it everyday. The blog may be free and it may not be giving you any ‘returns’ by way of publication. However you are returns are in the time that the CEO feels to spend on your blog.30 minutes of his time per day would amount to an average guys salary over a month.

This concept need not be only applicable to the CEOs visiting your blogs. It can also be any other person. Therefore we can considered the time spent on your blog as the worth of the blog and hence it is the representative of the value generation aspect of your publication.

This concept was taken from the book build to last although i have to mention that, in the book there was a totally different context in mentioning the same concept.

What happens when there are a lot of people spending a lot of time on your blog?
It is naturally assumed that you create some sort of social value.You create some sort of social interest, which makes people come to your blog again and again and again.

What happens when you succeed in the above?
You then start on to create some solid economic value out of blogging. People pay you money to write stuff. People pay you to comment on their blogs/website. Thy pay you to advertise their stuff on your blog.

In short there are as many aspects of economics in blogging as there are conceptes in economics as a whole. More coming soon!!!!!

Blogonomics would certainly be a part of any internet study in the future.
The logic for the whole thing is simple. I will post more on the economic aspect of it later, let me make it short and sweet for now.

Suppose you write such great stuff that a CEO of a mid size company visits your blog and spends say 30 minutes on it everyday. The blog may be free and it may not be giving you any ‘returns’ by way of publication. However you are returns are in the time that the CEO feels to spend on your blog.30 minutes of his time per day would amount to an average guys salary over a month.

This concept need not be only applicable to the CEOs visiting your blogs. It can also be any other person. Therefore we can considered the time spent on your blog as the worth of the blog and hence it is the representative of the value generation aspect of your publication.

This concept was taken from the book build to last although i have to mention that, in the book there was a totally different context in mentioning the same concept.

What happens when there are a lot of people spending a lot of time on your blog?
It is naturally assumed that you create some sort of social value.You create some sort of social interest, which makes people come to your blog again and again and again.

What happens when you succeed in the above?
You then start on to create some solid economic value out of blogging. People pay you money to write stuff. People pay you to comment on their blogs/website. Thy pay you to advertise their stuff on your blog.

In short there are as many aspects of economics in blogging as there are conceptes in economics as a whole. More coming soon!!!!!

before continuig on the Part 2 of my Story let me assure u ppl that i am not here to blog seriously… atleast as of now!!!

The strangest thing is that there is no pupose for this blog, It has no life, It is not build to last, in the sense that it has not been built at all.

Earlier the name of the blog was “Null Pointer” but since then I have found out that there was another Null Pointer, thanks to Debashish . I had to change the name of the blog in order to preserve its uniqueness.

I always used any media I could lay my hands on to crib, and so the blog was just another media to crib and rant, and hence the name.

the Blogging world is extensive, it has all kind of charectors… and for some people eventhough the aim of blogging… or the utility of the blog may be very well defined the path to achieve the ‘minimum critical mass’ required to push ideas may not be there. In such case one has to start slowly, take the small steps, find some measning and purpose in what u do, get the critical mass and the time/value factor on your blog.. push it forward. Even if u stray here and there initially.. i dont think will make much of a difference.

I would want to improve my grammar. Eventhoug i know that the words i deliver have the required punch in them there is however no grammatical stress, which makes the meaning altogether distorted.

Ultimately I would want this blog to rise and play a part, both in what i want to do in my life and also to serve as my mouthpiece to the world.

Lets replace the Roman Emperors shout :-”Let the wars begin” to :- “Let the blogs begin!!!!!!”

before continuig on the Part 2 of my Story let me assure u ppl that i am not here to blog seriously… atleast as of now!!!

The strangest thing is that there is no pupose for this blog, It has no life, It is not build to last, in the sense that it has not been built at all.

Earlier the name of the blog was “Null Pointer” but since then I have found out that there was another Null Pointer, thanks to Debashish . I had to change the name of the blog in order to preserve its uniqueness.

I always used any media I could lay my hands on to crib, and so the blog was just another media to crib and rant, and hence the name.

the Blogging world is extensive, it has all kind of charectors… and for some people eventhough the aim of blogging… or the utility of the blog may be very well defined the path to achieve the ‘minimum critical mass’ required to push ideas may not be there. In such case one has to start slowly, take the small steps, find some measning and purpose in what u do, get the critical mass and the time/value factor on your blog.. push it forward. Even if u stray here and there initially.. i dont think will make much of a difference.

I would want to improve my grammar. Eventhoug i know that the words i deliver have the required punch in them there is however no grammatical stress, which makes the meaning altogether distorted.

Ultimately I would want this blog to rise and play a part, both in what i want to do in my life and also to serve as my mouthpiece to the world.

Lets replace the Roman Emperors shout :-”Let the wars begin” to :- “Let the blogs begin!!!!!!”

I have discovered reading again!!!

However it is by a concious choice that I have decided to take on reading. It is not an accident.

I used to read voraciously b4 my 10th standard, not petty novels and ‘Harry Potter’ stuff. I used to read encyclopedias, which told me great stories about how man invented methods to fly, how the stars shine, about black holes and quasars and about space ships that travel close to the speed of light. These things used to spark my imagination and used to be the subject of my dreams. The imagination that still is with me and has helped me to understand somewhat complex mathematical constructs and also helped me in understanding most of the math by just imagining about the equations.

This habit was so built into me that I used to do poorly in the class due to this addictive reading habit. However sometime during my mid 10th standard eduacation I had to leave this habit in order to concentrate on studies. The reader can note that until my 9th standard I was a failure in studies. My dad had lost all hopes of making me studious and the class topper, a concept which I consider extremely stupid then and now- i considered it stupid then because I knew how much of math the class topper knew, i consider it extremely stupid now because I know that class topper is never the way to measure a person the concept is as stupid as concept that the worth of a man can be measured by the money he has. Now I used to fail in 5 subjects out of 8, and pass in mathematics and science. This was the case until my 9th standard. In my 9th standard I surprised everyone,including myself, by becoming the school topper. I had prooved my worth infront of everyone and most importantly infront of my dad.

I got confused on what was the sudden change in attitude of everyone around me, i was being treated with respect, for which I was sure that I had not changed a bit in my core values, which were in my subconcious. After that I was scared of loosing out that respect and the worth/value that I gained. My reading and imagination was put in the cold storage.

This habit of reading and then imagining was soon forgotten by me and I was into getting more and more value for myself by becoming the topper repeatedly. There is a quote by some guy whose name i don’t remember (but will get it soon)
Its something like this.

The diffcult we eventually realize but the obvious we may never do.

I forgot that I was a kid who once loved science, who imagined himself flying to the stars, who build big laboratories in his mind. The kid who loved math, and more importantly, who could imagine math.

There were some sparks in me which we still there. As, bits and pieces of my old life remained, like my childish nature of questioning anything. My parents never cared about that quality, neither did they think about how could they nurture this latent talent.It is a fault from their part but I cannot complain about them because they were brought up in such a pathetic conditions that I dare not imagine those times.

Ultimately when time went by I realized the difficult part :- I had to do stuff that I don’t like in order to get the class topper position in everything I do, something which I realize now was outright stupidity.

I never realized the obvious part:- I had to do the stuff that I love in order to be happy and satisfied, and in order to grow. I had to awaken that part of me which was in a coma for a long long time.

I stopped reading general books and was fully into my entrance coaching in my 11th and 12th standard. I grew sick and tired of some stuff. The question “Why?” which helped me to become so imaginative made me me ask “Why Me?”. I started to rant. I started to get out of touch with myself. I started to crib. Somehow I managed to get into engineering, and took the more mathematical field of Electronics and communication engineering.

My engineering life and my second crush around that time pushed me into reading more. This time more into novels and stories about great heros. Since my crush used to read novels, I too decided to catch up and become totally rocking. However within such a raze of novel reading was the fact that I was trying to find meaning in my life. Unfortunately the meaning should have been the most obvious thing in my life.

Two years, 12 Osho books, 10 swami X books later I delved into one of my relatives book collection and found a novel:- The Fountainhead. In the publishers note it was written(i cannot exactly remember):

Read the story of a Highly controversial architect, who has a tryst with the society and his flaming love affair with a woman who tries to destroy him.

I started reading the book and from the first page I was always thinking that the hero Howard Roark was a fool. Why did he leave college? and that too a top one. Why he did that is obvious to any human being who loves his work. I did not realize it. Why did he not emotionally react and destroy Peter Keating? It is obvious too, but i did not realize that. Why was he in love with Dominique who, as told in the publishers statement, was trying so hard to destroy him? That is obvious too, but i did not realize it. I was finding Peter Keating as a hero and I just could not digest the end. I really did not understand Howards court statement.

I did not know that had put the Howard Roark in me to sleep and then was off to be the class topper in everything I do. However the book did spark the imagination in me and I started asking the question “Why?”. Why did he let himself to be thrown out of college? Why did he love dominique? Why did he never compromise?.

My crush broke down around this time. I was devastated, and almost left to myself to lick the wounds of that time. I started to read Fountainhead again, because I just couldn’t read any other book which the word love was present.

One fine morning I got the answer for many of the “Why?”s. Roark never compromised because he was in love with his work. He was in love with his work because doing work gave him immense satisfaction. He was brilliant because he loved doing his work. Doing what you love to do is the key to happiness and satisfaction. Satisfaction never lies in compromise. It lies in intgrity. The thing that makes people die for values. In Martin Luther Kings words:

Life aint worth living unless you have something to die for.

The next two years of my engineering I was trying to find something that I could die for. It was a difficult and scary question to ask, because if the answer was not in what I was doing then my life would be hell. The answer was obvious, awakwen the sleeping kid within me, but i never realized it.

At the same time I started to have intense discussion on Signal Processing, with one of my friends. My interest grew in it because of its mathematical nature and because I somehow found it easy to imagine the math that was written in the form of equations. The kid within me was already awakening. I had stumbled upon the key to my life just like I stumbled upon “The Fountainhead”. I soon found that I could solve problems in Signal Processing using what I learned and I loved the intense satisfaction that I got when I solved problems. At last the tipping point had reached. The kid was half awake. i finished an entire signal processing book in 3 weeks. I was soo happy.

To be continued!!!!!

I have discovered reading again!!!

However it is by a concious choice that I have decided to take on reading. It is not an accident.

I used to read voraciously b4 my 10th standard, not petty novels and ‘Harry Potter’ stuff. I used to read encyclopedias, which told me great stories about how man invented methods to fly, how the stars shine, about black holes and quasars and about space ships that travel close to the speed of light. These things used to spark my imagination and used to be the subject of my dreams. The imagination that still is with me and has helped me to understand somewhat complex mathematical constructs and also helped me in understanding most of the math by just imagining about the equations.

This habit was so built into me that I used to do poorly in the class due to this addictive reading habit. However sometime during my mid 10th standard eduacation I had to leave this habit in order to concentrate on studies. The reader can note that until my 9th standard I was a failure in studies. My dad had lost all hopes of making me studious and the class topper, a concept which I consider extremely stupid then and now- i considered it stupid then because I knew how much of math the class topper knew, i consider it extremely stupid now because I know that class topper is never the way to measure a person the concept is as stupid as concept that the worth of a man can be measured by the money he has. Now I used to fail in 5 subjects out of 8, and pass in mathematics and science. This was the case until my 9th standard. In my 9th standard I surprised everyone,including myself, by becoming the school topper. I had prooved my worth infront of everyone and most importantly infront of my dad.

I got confused on what was the sudden change in attitude of everyone around me, i was being treated with respect, for which I was sure that I had not changed a bit in my core values, which were in my subconcious. After that I was scared of loosing out that respect and the worth/value that I gained. My reading and imagination was put in the cold storage.

This habit of reading and then imagining was soon forgotten by me and I was into getting more and more value for myself by becoming the topper repeatedly. There is a quote by some guy whose name i don’t remember (but will get it soon)
Its something like this.

The diffcult we eventually realize but the obvious we may never do.

I forgot that I was a kid who once loved science, who imagined himself flying to the stars, who build big laboratories in his mind. The kid who loved math, and more importantly, who could imagine math.

There were some sparks in me which we still there. As, bits and pieces of my old life remained, like my childish nature of questioning anything. My parents never cared about that quality, neither did they think about how could they nurture this latent talent.It is a fault from their part but I cannot complain about them because they were brought up in such a pathetic conditions that I dare not imagine those times.

Ultimately when time went by I realized the difficult part :- I had to do stuff that I don’t like in order to get the class topper position in everything I do, something which I realize now was outright stupidity.

I never realized the obvious part:- I had to do the stuff that I love in order to be happy and satisfied, and in order to grow. I had to awaken that part of me which was in a coma for a long long time.

I stopped reading general books and was fully into my entrance coaching in my 11th and 12th standard. I grew sick and tired of some stuff. The question “Why?” which helped me to become so imaginative made me me ask “Why Me?”. I started to rant. I started to get out of touch with myself. I started to crib. Somehow I managed to get into engineering, and took the more mathematical field of Electronics and communication engineering.

My engineering life and my second crush around that time pushed me into reading more. This time more into novels and stories about great heros. Since my crush used to read novels, I too decided to catch up and become totally rocking. However within such a raze of novel reading was the fact that I was trying to find meaning in my life. Unfortunately the meaning should have been the most obvious thing in my life.

Two years, 12 Osho books, 10 swami X books later I delved into one of my relatives book collection and found a novel:- The Fountainhead. In the publishers note it was written(i cannot exactly remember):

Read the story of a Highly controversial architect, who has a tryst with the society and his flaming love affair with a woman who tries to destroy him.

I started reading the book and from the first page I was always thinking that the hero Howard Roark was a fool. Why did he leave college? and that too a top one. Why he did that is obvious to any human being who loves his work. I did not realize it. Why did he not emotionally react and destroy Peter Keating? It is obvious too, but i did not realize that. Why was he in love with Dominique who, as told in the publishers statement, was trying so hard to destroy him? That is obvious too, but i did not realize it. I was finding Peter Keating as a hero and I just could not digest the end. I really did not understand Howards court statement.

I did not know that had put the Howard Roark in me to sleep and then was off to be the class topper in everything I do. However the book did spark the imagination in me and I started asking the question “Why?”. Why did he let himself to be thrown out of college? Why did he love dominique? Why did he never compromise?.

My crush broke down around this time. I was devastated, and almost left to myself to lick the wounds of that time. I started to read Fountainhead again, because I just couldn’t read any other book which the word love was present.

One fine morning I got the answer for many of the “Why?”s. Roark never compromised because he was in love with his work. He was in love with his work because doing work gave him immense satisfaction. He was brilliant because he loved doing his work. Doing what you love to do is the key to happiness and satisfaction. Satisfaction never lies in compromise. It lies in intgrity. The thing that makes people die for values. In Martin Luther Kings words:

Life aint worth living unless you have something to die for.

The next two years of my engineering I was trying to find something that I could die for. It was a difficult and scary question to ask, because if the answer was not in what I was doing then my life would be hell. The answer was obvious, awakwen the sleeping kid within me, but i never realized it.

At the same time I started to have intense discussion on Signal Processing, with one of my friends. My interest grew in it because of its mathematical nature and because I somehow found it easy to imagine the math that was written in the form of equations. The kid within me was already awakening. I had stumbled upon the key to my life just like I stumbled upon “The Fountainhead”. I soon found that I could solve problems in Signal Processing using what I learned and I loved the intense satisfaction that I got when I solved problems. At last the tipping point had reached. The kid was half awake. i finished an entire signal processing book in 3 weeks. I was soo happy.

To be continued!!!!!