On Divorce and Marriage
What makes a successful family?
This question has been in and around my mind for a long time. Everyone in India would look and comment at our commendably low divorce rates… however has anyone cared to check the rates at which they are going up? U may say that it is because of the westernization of the society. To me it is a sign that people are using and enjoying their freedom. It is a sign that if they make a mistake they try to correct it. Increasing divorce rates therefore partly indicate a healthy society. It also indicates the estimate of the number of people who make mistakes, thus shows the number of people who made mistakes marrying.
I believe that every culture has a divorce equillibrium. If our culture remained the same always, I have strong reason to believe that the divorce rate would fluctuate along a mean with small variance (i.e. no high devations). But culture changes slowly, as it is the product of complex social thought processes. So u can model it in a stable society with a small trend (up or down) and a random variable(zero mean gaussian maybe 
) added to it.
It may be seen from the UK and Australian divorce statistics that the divorce rate fluctuate around a small upward trend. This means that they are more or less stable for a long time to come. The US has stopped collecting statistics on data (STRANGE!!), for some reason. So we can see that my theory in the above paragraph can be substanciated.
What is happening in India?
http://www.divorcereform.org/stats.html
The above is a good place to start looking for all round estimates of divorce and one can see that the divorces are in India are going to hit the sky sometime. There is a huge upward trend i guess( i dont have the statistics, and i believe no one does.. coz there has not been an effective census measuring this). Assuming this upward trend exists, it shows us that there is some big change in our culture, it is a cultural indicator. It shows how many mistakes are made, and it shows that more and more people are realizing that they have made a mistake.
Another interesting aspect for me to note would be the number of couples divorcing after having an arranged marriage and a love marriage.
I despise arranged marriage. For Love is the first pact that holds the four walls of a home, marriage is just a social recognition of the same. So love should come first, logically, and then , when the couple are suitably comfortable with each other, should marriage be coming. In India we have the opposite going on, an inverted logic, to say the least. Where marriage comes first and then maybe love happens.
I have seen couples, having grown up kids, living a zombie life just because the society demands that them be not divorced. There is clearly no love in the family. Everything is just official. The dad wakes up and says an official good-morning to the son. The mom makes official Tea in the morning. Then there is an official breakfast. Well, nothing un-official about it, we are just playing our roles here. I have a question in this case: Does marriage hold any meaning here? No, I guess. They should be divorced. Happiness is otherwise impossible.
Why don’t they divorce?
One reason which people give are the kids, which is plain bullshit. Most of them do not do it because the name of the family goes down the drain, if they ever divorce (Our business is smelling the shit of our neighbour and not caring about ours). And because of our motherfucking Indian man’s pea sized brain a divorced lady mostly would not find another man in her life (exceptions can be found, though). So our culture coercively prevents divorce.
So a person getting himself/herself into an arranged marriage is willing to subject his/her will to the whims and stupidity of the society. S/he does not care about whether s/he loves someone or not, all s/he worries is that the ‘name of her family’ should not go to the drain. Or maybe s/he wants to subject herself/himself to the emotional blackmail of her parents, because they somehow magically get hurt if their son/daughter marry someone whom their social status cannot accept.
When some desi dude/gal tells me the s/he will do what her/his parents say in the case of marriage, I go to some corner and breath in and out slowly in order to cool down. When they say that it affects my mind. It shows me that another dumbass does not mind losing her freedom. It drives me really angry, and that usually is a block in our friendship later because there is no emotional richness in such a friendship.
So the sky high divorce rates makes me a bit happy, more than anything it is a sign of arranged marriages breaking up(U might say that the same is true for ‘love’ marriages, but what i am talking about is the rate of increase in the divorce rate… it IS sky high and because of the very very few number of love marriages, i believe that the divorce rates are largely indicative of the arranged marriages breaking up! Atleast that is what my 2 semester of core statistics courses say). Although I feel really sorry for the kids who have their childhood torn apart from because of this, I should say that it is a sign that our culture is opening its eyes and listening to freedom.
The best way to deal with the kids who are affected by divorce is to start some organization which makes their lives smoother, like some counselling centers. Instead of making a hue and cry over the higher divorce rates let us rather let it go its own way and focuss on making less mistakes and also care for the children of the divorced. This will make sure that we kill this issue at the nip of the bud.
hey laks…you echo my thoughts! And I would add that….dont have kids unless you are sure you can raise them well and i mean from every angle, love, money etc.
Comment by khelnayak — April 22, 2006 @ 12:41 pm
Hi Laks
When a divorce happens people usually tend to find faults , gossip and give sad explantions.
But you have provided another perspective to it and that is that people are “realizing their mistakes.”
Not only that you made it sound sensible that people realize their mistake and the next logical step would be to divorce.
That is so well said.
How did you come about to this. Its making me think.
Comment by Preeti — April 22, 2006 @ 1:53 pm
KhelNayak(Amar) : dude thanks… and that is exactly what i think. I agree with your concept about children… that is exactly how we indians should think..
preeti: thanks for commenting and welcome to my site..
I believe that every institution like marriage and every legal condition like divorce has a reason to exist. This issue did not suddenly sprout into my mind, this is a thought process that took a couple of years for me to realize.
All divorces are not wrong.. they are simply about making a mistake and then moving on. A free society should not care about divorce, except that a divorce should be granted without coercion fromm both parties and both parties should not be coerced into marriage.
The old indian culture (which i am not very appreciative to be frank) has no concept of a divorce. The wife is a husbands slave and the husband is the protector of the wife, for their entire life.. also the SOCIETY chooses whom you should marry and whom you should not marry. This is utter nonsense.. and it leads to zombie families which I call “Official Family”. People should be open to accept their mistakes and move on with life.. otherwise we will see all the women abuse, torn kids , criminals etc etc going up.. which is not at all good for us.
In this age the question “To be or not to be” can be rephrased as “To think or not to think!”
Comment by laks — April 23, 2006 @ 3:15 am
laks, why isnt this on DC?:) I think it isnt arranged marriage thats the demon but the concept of ‘duty’.
I find it damn revolting. Our generation more or less believes in doing things out of ‘love’. People generally get upset when I say it and think I’m rather selfish but isnt love selfless and duty nothing more than a cold activity?
Comment by dee — April 23, 2006 @ 5:05 am
Dee: totally agree with you. It is indeed this stupid and monstorous thing called ‘duty’ (euphemistically called ‘doing stuff out of love’) that makes zombies in our society.
The point here is the love is indeed a bit of a selfish act! If it were TOTALLY selfless, then one would not mind his/her husband/wife/gf/bf loving/making love with someone else. Love would still hold meaning in their lives.
The very fact that love is mutual makes it an act of selfishness.
Duty meanwhile tranlates into a person being an object. U are a means to another person’s happiness. Another person magically becomes happy/sad at your actions. It is the heights of stupidity and that act is perfected in India. These factors create social zombies… and i have seen hundreds of them till now.
Comment by laks — April 23, 2006 @ 9:48 pm
Dee: It shall be on DC soon!
Comment by laks — April 23, 2006 @ 9:51 pm
Laks
Can I make a suggestion?
Wait till you put this article on DC. This article requires a matured open minded readers.
It will just turn into another 498 article.
Also
Have you noticed that most divorces do not happen when the marriage is arranged.
Divorces are most common in love marriages.
Comment by Preeti — April 26, 2006 @ 12:16 am
Preeti: I was hesitant to post this on DC coz of the same problem u mentioned… i dont want those buffoons to land on my site.
There is one way I can argue that divorces are more common when it is love marriage, the argument goes like this: To have a love marriage in India, you need to be rather brave (AND u have to fall in love), so in case u make a mistake in love you will be brave enough to divorce.
I have not had an opportunity to see many divorces (i dont want to have any opportunity too.. one break-up was enough to shatter me for a lifetime)… BUT my argument in this article was that IF the divorce rates are sky high.. that means more and more arranged marriages are broken up. because the proportion of people whose marriage is arranged is much much larger than the proportion of people whose marriage succeeds their love.
My idea of love is different from most people u can check it out here . Going by that definition i dont think i will have to go thru a divorce if i really fal in love.
thnks for visiting
–Laks
Comment by laks — April 26, 2006 @ 7:10 am
Laks
“To have a love marriage in India, you need to be rather brave (AND u have to fall in love), so in case u make a mistake in love you will be brave enough to divorce.”
I would like to add another dimension.
A middle class or upper middle class girl/boy when falls in love he/she have to convince their parents(to some extent),especially the girl, I know that such girls few months down the line when realize that it was a mistake , are extremely hesistant to admit it. Why? coz both family will question the couple, it was your own choice, your desicion,how come mistake etc.
Also to some extent it becomes an ego issue for an Indian couple to admit that they made a mistake. If they were– brave to fall in love THEN they have to be braver to admit their mistake and face questions.
Therefore most people in love marraiges tend to drag it for some more years. There are 2 outcomes: a) they breakup anyways. b) they have chidren and decide to adjust, put up.
Pls note we are talking about Indian mentality, though a couple may have had a love marriage, there yet always does seem to be an influence from both families to put up with each other.
Compared to this I feel arranged marriages yet last longer however miserable the couple maybe.
I see in mumbai the family courts are filled with young couples who want to divorce and most of them are love marriages!!!!
a very very mindboggling situation. complexed too.
Comment by Preeti — April 26, 2006 @ 9:12 am
yep valid point….but i cannot accept it until someone comes up with a statistics. Because i have heard many arranged marriages cracking up.. that is just hearsay…
wee need to have an accurate statistical measure… i think i would be justified in assuming that there is a large proportion of arranged marriages breaking up.. although i need the statistics to prove it.
its only our mentality that is making everything complex…that is the sad part
Comment by laks — April 26, 2006 @ 9:30 am
preeti,
There is another ‘fun’ part as well:
when one divorces and if it is a love marriage parents blame children.. and as u said there are numerous problems.
when one divorces and if it is an arranged marriage then divorcing children blame their parents.
Ultimately no one ever thinks about what the fuck is happening in their lives. No one thinks that divorce = broken hearts and broken lives. It takes a lifetime to mend a broken heart.
Here at the same time.. a divorce is dealt with, in a sensible way.
Shows how great our culture is!
If u are in mumbai and u can get the stats about this.. then it will be great to do an analysis on!
Comment by laks — April 26, 2006 @ 9:49 am
No am not in Mumbai right now.
Mumbai is my home town. When I was there, I’ve seen it. Its all over the mumbai times and mumbai mirror as these subjects always create news.
Am in USA.
Comment by Preeti — April 26, 2006 @ 10:37 am
I am in the USA too.. Los Angeles.. southern cali… the most beautiful place on earth ever!
Comment by laks — April 26, 2006 @ 10:58 am
Hi
Divorce is no doubt a touchy subject. What bothers me more is that when people divorce in India for whatever reasons, others don’t respect it, its looked down upon like a stigma of some kind.
Whatever the cause of divorce, both the people in the marriage go through turmoil and it’s mentally stressing too. If this was no enough already, there are relatives & friends with their umpteen inquisitive questions that can have detrimental effects on the divorcee. Its hard on them.
Watch out, the numbers are going to increase all the more, what with limited tolerance levels of human beings and high expectations.
Comment by Anushka — April 27, 2006 @ 2:29 am
anushka,
totally agree….
It is important that society minimize their mistakes, and move ahead.
What we need is personal care to every person who is getting divorced, rather than making it difficult to live after a divorce, we have to make things easy after a divorce. This will make sure that there are no ‘zombie’ families. I have known couple of zombie families and their kids… its a very very bad situation.
I dont ever wanna see anyone in that situation, and i cannot dream of me being in one.
High expectations are ok if u ask me. Provided both hubby and wifey are meeting each others demands.
Thanks for visiting.
Comment by laks — April 27, 2006 @ 3:45 am
Hi
I too need to say that wait until the right time before you publish this post on DC.
Hmmmmmm
Maybe by that time comment moderation will be there on DC.
In the meantime , try expanding this article with more dept and reasoning.
Comment by Anushka — April 27, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
Yep…
I have to do somme more research and some more thought process has to go into it to make it a good essay….. I wrote it in an hour… so….
Anyways, thnks for the suggestion.. have to do more research on this.. the unfortunate problem is getting the data, which i am sure will be skewed!
Comment by laks — April 27, 2006 @ 10:42 pm
A friend of mine always jokes about how his parents, when they are not quarrelling, explain to him that arranged marriage is better than “love” marriage:)
Comment by Anil — May 1, 2006 @ 3:17 am
@anil: heh!!! That is too funny man
Comment by laks — May 1, 2006 @ 12:07 pm